How a Trump addict can beat withdrawal symptoms!

The shock was too much for me to handle: Donald Trump said he would begin to act “presidential.”

I’d become a Trump addict. Getting a fix was no problem. He was on TV, radio, twitter, and in the press 24 hours of each day, every day. Once I tuned into Trump through my toaster.

I’d dropped out of my mundane reality, tuned into Trumpland and got turned on to a place where everything is amazing! … unbelievable! … strong! … the smartest and richest ever!

Trump was making America great again by attacking Muslims for being Muslims, women for being women, immigrants for not being born here, and just about everyone for not being Donald Trump.

Then it happened. Trump, my Trump, announced he was going back to a world confined by mere facts and solid realities. He was going to “act more presidential.”

I began to get migraines, painful stomach aches; I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t work (well, I was out of work anyway … but if I had had a job, I couldn’t have done it).

I needed relief, and needed it quickly. I went to the one person who I knew could help me: Dr. Phulla Pishvasser. Lying on his couch was the first time I had relaxed in days.

“Rest easy, my boy,” he said, “you are not alone. You’re my 17^th patient this week with the same symptoms.”

“Can you help me, Doc?”

“The answer is right in front of you; you just have to recognize it. Think: have you actually seen any actual signs of Trump changing?”

“Well, no. He’s said if we let starving Syrian refugees in, they’ll rob us … he’s calling anybody that disagrees with him ‘losers.” Come to think of it, he’s still the same, even though he told us he’d change.”

“You’re getting it.”

“But Doc, we love Trump because he always tells it like it is. Do you mean to say he’s telling it like it isn’t?”

“In the old, worn-out political reality, it is true that Trump would be a miserable liar. But Trump has turned the old reality into the new Trump Reality. Within that paradigm shift, he’s telling the truth; what it looks like to be ‘presidential’ has changed.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Trump has succeeded in achieving something others have tried and failed: he has succeeded in turning the old, previously universally-accepted political reality into the new Trump Reality. To reach a level of full understanding and inner peace, you, my boy, must strive to become One with the new Trump Reality.”

“You mean like when Trump said he was against the spread of nuclear weapons but would make sure Japan and other countries got them?”

“Yes. In the old reality, that statement would indicate Trump is an idiot. But in the new Trump Reality, he’s sharing a profound truth that transcends the confines and boundaries of mere logic.”

“How about when Trump said he agreed American workers need a raise, but he’s against raising the wages of American workers. I liked that one.”

“That’s a good example. Under the old political paradigm that would make Trump a two-faced, weasel-mouthed worm. But in the new Trump Reality, we must all embrace contradictions. In time, we will come to grasp the underlying truth.”

“How about when Trump probably used his Pecker to plant a newspaper story against his opponent?”

“What?”

“You know, David J. Pecker, one of Trump’s best friends. He publishes the National Enquirer.”

“Yes, well … in the established reality that would mean Trump’s a small-minded, vicious gossip who spreads false rumors. But in the new Trump Reality, if we let go of our old ways of thinking, we might be able to understand Trump’s nobility.”

“How did Trump turn the old reality into the New?”

“We are not allowed to study this because the New Establishment denies the turn in reality was caused by human activity. But we know it has something to do with believing in yourself.”

“I always felt powerless.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to actually believe in yourself, you just have to believe that Trump believes in his self. And, believe me, he believes in himself. In fact, compared to Trump’s self-belief, God is an atheist.”

“I think I’m beginning to understand all this, Doc.”

“Understanding is a good first step, my boy. But you have to begin to encompass all this in your very being.

“You have to feel the Turn.”

Photo: In this March 14, photo, Donald Trump speaks at a rally at Lenoir-Rhyne University in Hickory, N.C. Chuck Burton | AP